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I feel like I'm drowning. I read over my journal and for years I have done nothing but exhibit the same pattern in my life. I followed my heart. I chased after the thought of being in love with someone and being in a committed relationship that couldn't be broken. I kept finding myself in horrible situations. Sure, I survived through it all. But is that really my whole purpose in life? All this time I have been battling my inner demons, fighting the world, and still tried to find my place in it all. Today, I am still doing all of that.

I am still learning to not destroy myself and to keep moving forward in my life. I feel like I am facing the gauntlet alone. I keep fighting without knowing why. I keep fighting with the knowledge there is no reward, or a light at the end of this dark tunnel.

I am human. I am a monster. I may not be the best at being both. I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand emotion very well or what makes people want to punish me. I don't understand life. I don't understand why if I have done nothing wrong must I continue to struggle? Self reflection is not kind. Looking at myself and soul in the mirror is not easy nor is it fun.

I have done a lot of thinking. I have survived 7 surgeries now. My health is at most decent than it has been for years now. My mental health is a work in progress. The more inward I go the more I feel lost. The suicidal tendency is gone but the obtrusive thoughts are still there. My anger is not dimming and I am finding it hard to forgive. The quest for the myth of finding love and being in a happy and healthy relationship has halted. My nightmares have gotten worse as well as my sleep walking. I am beyond survival mode. I am just living a second at a time because no matter how hard I try I can't see myself having a future. The future I want is to be happy and sharing my life with someone. The future I need is to make something worthwhile of myself. The future I am going to get is existing until I don't anymore. Alone.

I don't know why I have been alive my 38 years. But whatever the reason, I have stopped searching for the answer. I can only hope I will find my place I belong and my purpose before I die.